Interruptions

I can feel myself pulling back, wanting to retreat into that protective shell of isolation where I can guard my feelings and keep my struggle private.  I can come up with many reasons why I shouldn't share openly; some of the reasons are practical, I suppose, having to do with time and other necessities in life calling but I suspect these are a cover up for the truth that I fear being vulnerable. For goodness sake, I don't even like to tell the doctor how I'm doing.

But definitely, I'm in a strange season right now and trying to process through it.  Sometimes, coming here helps me do that.  I've been thinking a lot about a sermon I heard a couple of weeks ago on interruptions.  How God sometimes interrupts your life to get your attention. These last couple of months have been disrupted by my illness, the holidays and for the four, longer visits with their dad. Nothing has been normal.  Though what is normal?  I've heard that it's simply a setting on a washing machine.  I'll go with that.  I'm trying to listen to what God may be telling me, pay attention to whatever lesson He's teaching through this.  I'm a plan oriented person; a scheduling junkie.  I like routines.  We've had nothing like routine around here lately.  Children have been coming and going, school has been catch as catch can and for someone who abhors sitting around, I've been doing an awful lot of sitting around.

I've been forced to be a different type of parent without the structure of a full school day.  So, even sick, I think I've been more relaxed, maybe nicer, more apt to play than instruct.  We've watched movies and played games and baked.  I played basketball.  Maybe what I'm being taught is about quality time.  And trust.  To trust that this is all okay, that they'll be okay.  I worry about them, about what life with a sick mom must be like.  How could this be what God has chosen for them?  When my illness interrupts what I think is positive consistency or our days are dependent on how I feel, I worry that they're not going to get everything they need.  But then, isn't that me relying on my own strength?  And isn't God's grace sufficient, and His power made perfect in weakness?